Friday, 29 October 2010

Aftermath

And how are you?
Worse I bet
I can't quite see
I've got nothing to cry for
I've got you
A bank full of numbers
Twenty pairs of socks


If I should be (sad/angry/taller), why aren't I?
You've already gone
Maybe you've got to clear the decks
That makes sense
The leaves clog the gutter
Or was I in the gutter?
The bloody gutter?
Yes
It's a possible
Not a maybe
But chances


And I want to say
'What a lying
satisfied
bitch
whore
slut
fuck'
But you won't let me
'What an honest
remorseful (slightly)
girl
non-whore
slut (possible)
fuck'


'I want something to savour'
is what I want to say
'I wish you were smarter'
is what I want to hear
'I can't bear this shit again'
in your car
'It's alright, I'm yours'
is what I should tell you
'You're alright. You're ugly short daft'
it's why I love you.


In short it's always the same
i) I fucked up
ii) You fucked me over
It'll never change
i) I hate you're sympathy
ii) Help me or I'll fall apart


You fucking wrecking balls
I bet you're proud
Inside
You take down the walls
We've always been proud of them
Without a care
So we're empty
It took so long
We were always proud of them
Do we build our walls more solid?
Or do we never let you in again?

Thursday, 28 October 2010

Early

Here's a quick 2010 playlist. I'll never get round to it otherwise.

1. 2 Rights Make 1 Wrong - Mogwai - Special Moves
2. Dead Head Blues - Lightspeed Champion
3. Ceiling Poem - North Atlantic Oscillation
4. 12 - Three Trapped Tigers
5. Arcadia - Trans Am
6. Chemistry - Tall Ships
7. Little Girl - Sparklehorse & Danger Mouse
8. Field - Mount Kimbie
9. Lemonworld - The National
10. Sprawl II - Arcade Fire
11. S is for Salamander - And So I Watch You From Afar
12. A Rumour In Africa - Errors

The live 2 Rights.. is really beautiful and possibly my favourite song from the band. Maybe due a little re-jig in the order but I think this is about it. Nearly forgot Errors, hell, that's slack.

Attempts

And it couldn't be worse
I looked there and thought
His head leering
I wouldn't call it a face
That's what I've got
'Is everything okay?'
Asks my mum
I'm twenty-one years old, I live here with you
What could be wrong
'It's just your crying'
'Nothing' I said
She turns to go
It's a dangerous game
You must have turned
I just never got to see


Don't tell people about your dreams,
They won't care,
In fact they'll probably feel sorry for you.
These really are mundane affairs.


I'm not sure what's going on inside my brain but I woke up at four this morning having had the same dream twice. I had it three times in total, it was pretty inaccurately reproduced the second and third time but the jist of the bastard was the same. I'm not sure anyone else dreams about bloody facebook, it's that godforsaken blue colour scheme.

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Words. No pictures

'What a prick'
I thought
'How is he so bloody good'
It's like this on every hill.
Prick.
I wouldn't have it any other way.


I think it's hardest
When you're the best you know
It's easy to ask
But, fuck, who?
It's in some books
But I already knew
I am the best I know. I know.
Once I'm past that then
I'm the worst
The worst I know
An utter fool for
All my half-felt feelings
Badly considered words
Half heard utterances
But who to ask?
Too many.
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Tuesday, 26 October 2010

You might need me more than you think you will

I think I'm grinding to a bit of a hideous halt. I've managed to claim another job rejection and I've (mostly) run out of things I'd like to apply for. Most of all I'd like to quit my job and sit down all day. I'd like to read and play chess (I used to be in a chess club, I was terrible) and love and hate and eat and cook. I'd also like to pack this in, I'd prefer properly adjusted feelings. I've seen you twice, over a month ago. I swear the longer I go without seeing you the more I'll fall in love with you. The longer I don't see you for the worse I know you are for me. You'd be a terrible girlfriend, similarly I'd be a tragic boyfriend. You're far too good looking, I'm much too clingy. You'll break me so easily.

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Ode to Ancestors

On first listen I think this track is all kinds of ace.

As you lay there beside me I can't help but wonder about how something like you could come into being
A link in a long chain you remain tethered to a history we know nothing about but for which I know I'm thankful
Because within you every particle is perfect and your beating heart the sum of many working parts
You are a triumph of natural selection every mutation leading to your perfection

And I'll try

This is my ode to your ancestor, appreciate your recipe their million year masterpiece

So I try


On the new There Is Nothing But Chemistry Here EP by Tall Ships. The lyrics in their songs with vocals are terrific, I think this band could go pretty big. The previous EP to this is pretty exciting as well.

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

She is haunting me

Right, I'm going to write the usual sort of bollocks I write here. I'm just going to do it a little faster so I can go to bed.

2 Job applications done (un-rejected, currently)
4 driving lessons
4 degrees Celsius tomorrow morning

I'm not sure what I'm planning for tomorrow. I work better, feel better and generally get on best with plans. Plans. I think it's a pretty cool feeling to work out how your going to take something on, it's pretty similar to the bullshit I've put into a question on an application. If it's big it can be broken down into little wedges. Let's take what I'm thinking of, there's the beginning, the point, the decision and the end. The end is based on what happens at the decision. The decision is tethered to the point. Nothing really goes on with the beginning, it's just what it has to be.

I've noticed how badly I seem to function with so little sleep. I really should make more of an effort to stay in better health and health is feeling awake and ready. Body, I feel trim and pretty strong. Mind, I'm tired, I'm deserting myself for hours at a time to daydream and think and contemplate. All I contemplate is based around so few things, I'm becoming fixated with my own plight. I've got a terrible feeling that in spite of my useful qualities I have a large void that I keep subtly highlighting in every answer I produce. I'm not fearful of never reaching my potential, I'm pretty comfortable with that, I think I always have been. I've not ever pushed hard enough and I've always taken the easy ride. It seems an awful thing to waste and even worse not to care about.

So I think I'll call you. I think you'll pick up. I'm pretty I'll physically tremble. I think I'll ramble. I think I'll forget my plan, I'll go to pieces. Maybe it's what you like about me and maybe it's what's most likeable about me. I've no idea how you feel. I know I care too much, I hope you don't realise. If you do please don't let on that you do.

Monday, 18 October 2010

Mt. Heart Attack

I'd like to think this really might be a personal experiment to see how long it'd take me to crack and finally call you. I'm not sure how I win under these circumstances.

Thursday, 14 October 2010

Hit a deer and flipped

I know it's something and nothing, but I hope you're okay. I don't have anything funny, or even real to say. When all I want to know is that you haven't forgotten me, I haven't forgotten you. I feel awkward to say anything, as there isn't any reason to say it. But that's what you can do with friends, you can say they're great and that you miss them without needing any kind of context. I've no love for context but I still don't know how to tell you I've messed up and that so have you.

It won't stop me feeling like I do. There's a lot of things that I've never been happy about, your fault, mine and everyone else's. The longer this goes on the more it seems fine in my head and actually it probably is fine, but when I think of how I'd feel if something did happen, to you, to my sister or to me, I can't imagine how everyone else would feel. I'd feel guilty, guilty for not being there. Guilty for not putting in the effort to make some things better, it's not even much effort, it's minutes to send an email. It's hours on a train. But it's years of holes. Yes, I'm pissed at you for forgetting my sister's birthday.