Wednesday, 10 March 2010

The FA Cup (next time)

Two posts in February? Is that it? Yes, sadly, would be the answer. Time it seems is at a premium. The weight of the world, or to be precise three years of borrowed money rests more or less on the next two and a half months.

To put it in perspective, today I extended the overdraft on my bank account to £1,800. Simply to buy some new gear for my bike, now, considering I'm borrowing well in excess of £6,000 a year to go to uni, dropping an extra £50 (that isn't my own) on cranks doesn't seem like the worst move in the world. Still, I hope the Easter break gives me the revitalising shot that I've needed for the last few weeks, hopefully by taking a week entirely to myself I can bring back some of the wellness I once felt. On the whole I'm tired, irritable and half-hearted. This is best summed up by my current romantic venture, seeing a girl in the first year should make you feel something of a pervert but the age gap is fairly kind in this case. What I can't shake is my own resistance as it were to really allowing myself to get involved too emotionally. I feel I shouldn't either for my own sake or for hers. In my mind I feel guilty that come the end of term the likely conclusion will be to call the gig off and go our separate ways. The fact that this the only thing I've planned so far in advance of is baffling. It seems subconsciously that I don't want myself in this situation, still clearly, I have a desire for sexual action. At times, frequently, this desire seems has been an intrusion on university life and at times also easily tended too by such an existence. What it tends to make me think of is the future, of internet dating, settling, once annual penetration and more than once daily heartbreak.

I feel I fall into a state of lust/love/wanting with ease. What I can't find how to drop into a state of contented, happy and fulfilling routine and ritual. This I have to conquer myself. This makes it of clear that there is no consequence that I've had sex with around eight girls (fairly poor boast I know) in two years, some regularly and some as infrequently as once, but only had any form of relationship for a period of around two months.

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