Wednesday, 29 December 2010


Calm down, this is only a test. I've been erring towards this day for years, where I discard myself to the scrapheap of the internet lonely hearts (yes, you there). I am at best morose and perpetually grieving for my lost youth and at times, youth I haven't yet lost. I've enjoyed the sweet pleasures of university tuition and found myself spat out into the real and ever so ugly world of work and sensible bed times.

Obviously my main problem is constantly exaggerating my plight to the point of tedium. I'm generally content with meandering into my twenties and working an awful job. I don't deal much in planning or spontaneity, I'm bad at lists (hit lists and shopping). I enjoy music (guitars, drums, other) while remaining totally inept at anything within such a creative sphere. I'm vaguely endearing and undoubtedly frustrating in my handling of any number of day to day situations.

Tuesday, 2 November 2010


And if only you'd work
It's a simple job being a key
We could really get along
But you're the problem
'ENTER', well why don't you?
I've already fallen out with 'RETURN'

Friday, 29 October 2010


And how are you?
Worse I bet
I can't quite see
I've got nothing to cry for
I've got you
A bank full of numbers
Twenty pairs of socks

If I should be (sad/angry/taller), why aren't I?
You've already gone
Maybe you've got to clear the decks
That makes sense
The leaves clog the gutter
Or was I in the gutter?
The bloody gutter?
It's a possible
Not a maybe
But chances

And I want to say
'What a lying
But you won't let me
'What an honest
remorseful (slightly)
slut (possible)

'I want something to savour'
is what I want to say
'I wish you were smarter'
is what I want to hear
'I can't bear this shit again'
in your car
'It's alright, I'm yours'
is what I should tell you
'You're alright. You're ugly short daft'
it's why I love you.

In short it's always the same
i) I fucked up
ii) You fucked me over
It'll never change
i) I hate you're sympathy
ii) Help me or I'll fall apart

You fucking wrecking balls
I bet you're proud
You take down the walls
We've always been proud of them
Without a care
So we're empty
It took so long
We were always proud of them
Do we build our walls more solid?
Or do we never let you in again?

Thursday, 28 October 2010


Here's a quick 2010 playlist. I'll never get round to it otherwise.

1. 2 Rights Make 1 Wrong - Mogwai - Special Moves
2. Dead Head Blues - Lightspeed Champion
3. Ceiling Poem - North Atlantic Oscillation
4. 12 - Three Trapped Tigers
5. Arcadia - Trans Am
6. Chemistry - Tall Ships
7. Little Girl - Sparklehorse & Danger Mouse
8. Field - Mount Kimbie
9. Lemonworld - The National
10. Sprawl II - Arcade Fire
11. S is for Salamander - And So I Watch You From Afar
12. A Rumour In Africa - Errors

The live 2 Rights.. is really beautiful and possibly my favourite song from the band. Maybe due a little re-jig in the order but I think this is about it. Nearly forgot Errors, hell, that's slack.


And it couldn't be worse
I looked there and thought
His head leering
I wouldn't call it a face
That's what I've got
'Is everything okay?'
Asks my mum
I'm twenty-one years old, I live here with you
What could be wrong
'It's just your crying'
'Nothing' I said
She turns to go
It's a dangerous game
You must have turned
I just never got to see

Don't tell people about your dreams,
They won't care,
In fact they'll probably feel sorry for you.
These really are mundane affairs.

I'm not sure what's going on inside my brain but I woke up at four this morning having had the same dream twice. I had it three times in total, it was pretty inaccurately reproduced the second and third time but the jist of the bastard was the same. I'm not sure anyone else dreams about bloody facebook, it's that godforsaken blue colour scheme.

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Words. No pictures

'What a prick'
I thought
'How is he so bloody good'
It's like this on every hill.
I wouldn't have it any other way.

I think it's hardest
When you're the best you know
It's easy to ask
But, fuck, who?
It's in some books
But I already knew
I am the best I know. I know.
Once I'm past that then
I'm the worst
The worst I know
An utter fool for
All my half-felt feelings
Badly considered words
Half heard utterances
But who to ask?
Too many.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.4

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

You might need me more than you think you will

I think I'm grinding to a bit of a hideous halt. I've managed to claim another job rejection and I've (mostly) run out of things I'd like to apply for. Most of all I'd like to quit my job and sit down all day. I'd like to read and play chess (I used to be in a chess club, I was terrible) and love and hate and eat and cook. I'd also like to pack this in, I'd prefer properly adjusted feelings. I've seen you twice, over a month ago. I swear the longer I go without seeing you the more I'll fall in love with you. The longer I don't see you for the worse I know you are for me. You'd be a terrible girlfriend, similarly I'd be a tragic boyfriend. You're far too good looking, I'm much too clingy. You'll break me so easily.

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Ode to Ancestors

On first listen I think this track is all kinds of ace.

As you lay there beside me I can't help but wonder about how something like you could come into being
A link in a long chain you remain tethered to a history we know nothing about but for which I know I'm thankful
Because within you every particle is perfect and your beating heart the sum of many working parts
You are a triumph of natural selection every mutation leading to your perfection

And I'll try

This is my ode to your ancestor, appreciate your recipe their million year masterpiece

So I try

On the new There Is Nothing But Chemistry Here EP by Tall Ships. The lyrics in their songs with vocals are terrific, I think this band could go pretty big. The previous EP to this is pretty exciting as well.

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

She is haunting me

Right, I'm going to write the usual sort of bollocks I write here. I'm just going to do it a little faster so I can go to bed.

2 Job applications done (un-rejected, currently)
4 driving lessons
4 degrees Celsius tomorrow morning

I'm not sure what I'm planning for tomorrow. I work better, feel better and generally get on best with plans. Plans. I think it's a pretty cool feeling to work out how your going to take something on, it's pretty similar to the bullshit I've put into a question on an application. If it's big it can be broken down into little wedges. Let's take what I'm thinking of, there's the beginning, the point, the decision and the end. The end is based on what happens at the decision. The decision is tethered to the point. Nothing really goes on with the beginning, it's just what it has to be.

I've noticed how badly I seem to function with so little sleep. I really should make more of an effort to stay in better health and health is feeling awake and ready. Body, I feel trim and pretty strong. Mind, I'm tired, I'm deserting myself for hours at a time to daydream and think and contemplate. All I contemplate is based around so few things, I'm becoming fixated with my own plight. I've got a terrible feeling that in spite of my useful qualities I have a large void that I keep subtly highlighting in every answer I produce. I'm not fearful of never reaching my potential, I'm pretty comfortable with that, I think I always have been. I've not ever pushed hard enough and I've always taken the easy ride. It seems an awful thing to waste and even worse not to care about.

So I think I'll call you. I think you'll pick up. I'm pretty I'll physically tremble. I think I'll ramble. I think I'll forget my plan, I'll go to pieces. Maybe it's what you like about me and maybe it's what's most likeable about me. I've no idea how you feel. I know I care too much, I hope you don't realise. If you do please don't let on that you do.

Monday, 18 October 2010

Mt. Heart Attack

I'd like to think this really might be a personal experiment to see how long it'd take me to crack and finally call you. I'm not sure how I win under these circumstances.

Thursday, 14 October 2010

Hit a deer and flipped

I know it's something and nothing, but I hope you're okay. I don't have anything funny, or even real to say. When all I want to know is that you haven't forgotten me, I haven't forgotten you. I feel awkward to say anything, as there isn't any reason to say it. But that's what you can do with friends, you can say they're great and that you miss them without needing any kind of context. I've no love for context but I still don't know how to tell you I've messed up and that so have you.

It won't stop me feeling like I do. There's a lot of things that I've never been happy about, your fault, mine and everyone else's. The longer this goes on the more it seems fine in my head and actually it probably is fine, but when I think of how I'd feel if something did happen, to you, to my sister or to me, I can't imagine how everyone else would feel. I'd feel guilty, guilty for not being there. Guilty for not putting in the effort to make some things better, it's not even much effort, it's minutes to send an email. It's hours on a train. But it's years of holes. Yes, I'm pissed at you for forgetting my sister's birthday.

Sunday, 19 September 2010

Dance Music

I've completed my first application. I'm not entirely certain that actually applying for a job you would like is ideal as a first run, I figure I should have thrown some applications out to things I am utterly unsuited to or wholly unqualified in or completely bored by even the prospect of applying for. Straight in at the deep end.

The new bike is still riding very well. Maybe too well in fact, I managed to clean Nemesis today. In the rather excellent dry conditions there was more than enough grip to even dab on the front brake. Looking to get whatever I'm doing this weekend organised tomorrow, I'm pretty set on a trip up to Wales, even if it is only for a days riding. This time without the tents, which is a relief. One day it'll be without the train, when I remember to book some driving lessons. I'm not sure the problem is really remembering, it's more about not wanting to.

Wednesday, 15 September 2010


So it's time for me to apply for something to do. It doesn't actually seem like there is very much to do. So what do I do?

In other news, there is no other news. I feel a token depressed at times and really do think I am wasting my life at quite a rapid rate. The rest of my life to look forward to.

Saturday, 11 September 2010


Quite obviously there is a youthful euphoria attached to getting a new bike. Really this should be dampened as one gets older, but come delivery day I was feeling more excitable than I had done over any other two wheeled product I'd ever received. After a quick removal from the box it was clear that the red paint job that would have sent a ten year old's pulse racing, which I was most sceptical of before ordering, was executed in a far classier fashion than I had expected. Trust the French on matters of taste and aesthetics and you'll have bikes like this. Trust anyone British and you'll end up with the ghastly Orange Five.

Within a few minutes my plans to swap rear wheels with my current bike were underway, the slightly sketchy looking Race King tyre will have to wait until next summer for a go. The front Mountain King has lasted one ride, it's very big and wide and really doesn't grip well enough to justify it's use. On went a Minion in 2.35 size.

My SLX cranks from my hardtail were next on, the difficulty in removing the fitted cranks was frankly incredible, hammering, kicking and swearing won the day eventually. Six inches of travel, check. Bashring, check. Next was a chance to make use of the ISCG mount on the bottom bracket, throwing on a Stinger chain device. I have no idea how well this thing will work but it looks the part and seems to take up a little bit of slack in the chain. Next stop is likely to be a medium cage mech and possibly a look at the ten speed equipment available.

Initial skidding and crashing suggests that this bike is fun. It feels like a bit of a freight on the road and up some hills but carrying around six inches of travel probably should feel a little like this. Everything with a downward gradient feel faster, gone is the clanging and banging over roots and corners are much smoother sailing than ever before. Of course it's cheating, but cheating is so far proving the best fun.

Thursday, 9 September 2010

What's a little reign?

In the interval of forever since I've last committed anything to type here I have:
  • Graduated
  • Received a 2.1
  • Started a (shit) job
  • Bought a reasonably priced full suspension bike
  • Not looked properly for a (proper) job
  • Lived at home
I'll write again soon. Promise. Keep up the heat on the comments, 33 on my last post. No word of English.

Sunday, 6 June 2010

Sustained Interest

I've finished my exams and am right now, on the verge of the rest of my life. Monday I find out what I've done, whether I've passed or failed. I've passed. But then there's the chance of some viva to ascertain whether I'll be picking up a two and a one or a two. I'm scared, don't doubt it.

Monday, 24 May 2010


In exactly, I'm going to try to post this exactly on 8 o'clock, three hours I'll be done with learning things, equations, proofs and solutions. Lasers marks the end of the lot and the beginning of possible mass liver failure on the streets of Cathays. Hopefully I will get round to ordering my graduation garb, measuring my head at the least, in the next month. Which is really all that's left to do.

Monday, 17 May 2010

Non-linear systems, oh, and chaos

Today is exam number three. Not the hardest I'd hope and certainly one that I know a little bit about. So for the moment I'll put aside my devastating suburban longing and get on with something that matters.

Sunday, 16 May 2010

Fear Me, May

For today I am the Yes Man. And that means saying yes to myself and not being afraid, to risk feeling maybe a little stupid to take a chance on something that could be really great. So prepare for carnage. Along with learning most of a module for Mondays exam, today will be fairly busy.

Currently there's still a little residual pain/anguish over the disappointing result in the final yesterday. Really the better team, the much better team, won. It could though have been so different, we defended better than the sum of our parts, Chelsea's shooting was dangerous from distance but strangely attracted toward the woodwork. Kalou continues to look like one of the worst players in professional football, he was wholey outshone by international team-mate Dindane, who even managed an air kick when he had a clear sight of goal. Mokoena and Rocha have managed to form a tight and effective partnership over only a short time together, the full-backs, Mullins, well out of position and Finnan, ancient, looked composed. If this team had been together the whole of the season they could, should and would most likely have finished 14th. They're bad but certainly not the worst. Hardly the drubbing that was expected, credit to everyone involved for preventing that, team spirit, determination and pride have got us a long way this season. If there's enough left for next season we aught to be just fine.

Thursday, 13 May 2010


Tomorrow I have the opportunity to throw away a good deal of hard work over the last two years in the space of a couple of hours. I reckon reducing my average with a low 40's score isn't the end of the world but maybe the end of my prospects of getting a 2.1. Clearly my own fault (in this rare case) but it seems as much work as I do now there isn't going to be much difference made.

On a brighter note I've enjoyed a week of non-stop action, work on the project which finally got thrown in on Monday and had a lot of time to appreciate a fair few good tunes. I've picked up a couple of good albums, Walter Schreifels' Open Letter To The Scene is a nice departure from his hardcore roots and whets the appetite a little more for a forthcoming (maybe, hopefully, one day) Rival Schools release. Trans Am have put together a colossus in the form of Thing, I'm not sure what it is they claim to do best but they make a robust dance/noise/electronic/rock noise. I've found the excellent Damien Jurado, listening to the under-threat BBC 6 music. It's strange to look at the last fm page for six music and see the incompatibility of tastes between their regular plays and my own. Actually come to think of it that is how it should be, I enjoy the radio friendly singles from The National, La Roux etc and the less mainstream action from Bowie and co. While it's not the kind of music I'd listen to, soft rock and weenie indie isn't quite my thing, there are some gems thrown in. The session guests in the evening are often pretty interesting Plank!, Errors and Deerhunter have featured recently, the former are a band who play the kind of guitar tapping math-rock I didn't think would ever make it onto the radio anywhere, let alone over tea-time.

Saturday, 8 May 2010

Season Ends

Come the 24th I'll be finished. Exams, none more, hopefully ever. Friday was my last ever lecture, Tuesday will by the first of my last exams. I wish myself luck.

Monday, 12 April 2010

Relgated finalists

I'm not sure how often it happens but happen it did, Portsmouth find themselves in the FA cup final, the opposition: Chelsea. The beaten semi-final opponents: Tottenham Hotspur. Getting one over on old twitchy never seemed to be on the cards during the first few minutes, a superior opposition and a ramshackle bunch of players thrown together, some after long term injury problems. Credit must go the players out of form and position, Mullins, importantly kept things tight at left-back up against a quality wide man. Boateng, for a flair player and a temperamental one at that, put in an excellent high-energy display, the kind that was the foundation of the only form that the team managed to put together throughout the season. Brown, hassling kicking and biting the charges of his former employers for a full 120 minutes, one tackle of note on Kranjcar put the former Pompey man as near as out of the game for the remaining half hour of the tie. James, a quality keeper and one who has enjoyed a career of ups and downs, a final hoorah in the cup final would be fitting for a man who has kept himself in great shape even at the age of 40 (minus a hundred or so days).

Relegation on the over hand spells the end of this era, with the well paid players to be shipped out, the hefty Premier League ticket prices to be retained. Things will change, the dead wood culled and new organisation, playing staff and backing will be needed. If it is found, the little engine that could, may once more be bulldozing aside far more expensively assembled opposition. That is, if our healthy slices of luck and vigour are somehow retained, precious as they have proven to be.

Monday, 5 April 2010

Holiday brutality

Something about being home makes me angry. This strange parallel world, trapped and exiled from the rest of civilisation, so far removed from all that is normal. The shameful business of the incompetent parenting of one child, of near 19 it must be stated, is bewildering. We don't yet live in an age where the youth are in total charge but this is the state of affairs here. The wretched oaf that is the son is constantly pandered to, with no good reason for this, having failed to achieve any A-levels at college, unable and unwilling to secure a full time means of employment, the father acts like a trailblazer for the rights of a child to self determination surrounding every decision with complete support given in the face of every fucked up and deliberate road-blocking manoeuvre. At some point this should have stopped, some point around the age of four most likely, but it has continued at such a pace that it has severely alienated and overwhelmed the relationship between the frankly obnoxiously spineless father and my mother. Her lack of means for financially self sufficiency hang like a death sentence, live with the pair of idiots, possibly until the end of one of their natural lives or be stuck with near on nothing and no means to support a pair of children of her own.

The fallacy of the man which leaves him unable to see the damage he has done and continues to do each and everyday.

Monday, 29 March 2010

Goddamn it's gonna rain

I only brought my socks.

Importantly the weather was suitably terrible, to make sure everyone knew that they were still in the UK. It felt like it would be the longest four days of my life and also the worst. Clearly on showing up at a rain-swept campsite, which was nicely waterlogged already, having to throw together three tents in what was ever so much more than a pleasant breeze was demoralising. Luckily there was somewhere to stash our bikes so there was no messing around with QR skewers and tent porches for the next few days.

Happily there were a few highlights to this phase of the moving in process, after seeing the borderline play-tent chosen by one of us I would have been moved to tears if I hadn't known that he would be sleeping in it. Funnier still was possibly the sterling job this fine construction did for the duration of the three nights, standing up to some conditions far worse than the manufacturer had designed it for. My tent was the slightly superior model in the range, with the old-skool cotton inner it was warm enough overnight and along with my faithful imitation Therm-a-Rest and my slightly over the top choice of sleeping bag I was feeling well rested come the morning.

Come the morning, well, weather had remained much the same but at least there was a degree of natural light, something of which we had only an hour or so of the night before, I was preparing myself for a day of activity. This involved the first visit to the excellent Drop-Off Cafe where their huge pieces of toast along with a coffee set me up nicely. At this time, possibly twelve, it was action time. Of course I felt it worth slowing proceedings down somewhat, grabbing a pair of sintered brake pads (which went on not to fit correctly and needed a degree of elbow grease) costing us around about an hour. With this out of the way nothing could stop us.

You'll be pleased to know that at this stage we weren't stopped. Bikes on the car and the short drive to Afan where we unloaded, changed, filled bottles and bemoaned the shyness of the slightly better weather that had only just come to greet us. We took on the Penhydd Trail, which at a fairly short 17km includes half a kilometre of ascents. Nice. The middle singetrack sections were excellent fun, the steep and sharp Hidden Valley and Sidewinder proving the main highlights. In spite of the poor weather the trails rode very well, clearly there was enough moisture in the ground to get tyres to dig in but not such a surplus as to be riding on what would seem like an oil slick.

This being the first real use of my fairly expensive refit of cranks, brakes, bars and transmission. Throw in a kitchen counter service of the forks the bike felt like a whole new rig, in a good way, with the same familiar handling and solid feel as before. The brakes feel great, stop great, my main reservations are regarding the rear CPS (or whatever it's called) mounting system where it seems nigh on impossible to get the back brake to quit dragging due to the tiny rotor clearance. This isn't a massive issue that can't be sorted with a little time and maybe some washers.

Roll on day two, poached eggs for breakfast and another attempt to overcome the elements. This time the trail of choice was White's Level, with it's singletrack climb this is probably the most enjoyable top-to-bottom experience I've ever ridden. It rides in the same way as it did in my much drier visit of '07 which is again a real credit to the design and hard work put into these man made trails. The black section is a whole lot of fun with it's steep inclines, massive berms and boulders from babyheads to whole families of overweight teenagers. The new section called Energy which I believe wasn't open when I was last there, was signed as closed. We decided to jump the gate and ride it anyway, during which I managed to clout a tree with my shoulder, slightly later down the run we were told off for our presence, clearly in breach of the closure notices, but really who cares?

Come the final day the weather looked almost pretty, with a little ration of blue sky and a polite breeze, we began to bulldoze tents and gear into the car. We were done in good time and ready to get rolling, we heading up to Afan again to do The Wall. Now I'd say I was mostly hitting the wall throughout the climb, as my rear mech had decided not to play nicely (not misbehaving as much as Ross' brakes, mind) and I was stuck in my lowest gear. Now, rolling a 1x9 setup with a 36t chainring up front had been okay thus far, but spending all day in that gear was hardly ideal and my legs quickly tired on anything flat and the gear still isn't soft enough for harder climbs where really it's a battle of the mind not to get off and slog up on foot. I think I may switch out for a 32t ring to keep the 1x9 going, which performs very well and with all the mud around I was fairly thankful not to be depending upon the crude and flawed design of the humble front mech. I lost the chain just the once, this due to the bashring and N-gear Jump Stop device I was using. Pretty good.

The downs on the Wall are much like that of the massively long Skyline trail, the final descent being possibly and almost certainly the best downhill section I've ever ridden. Long, tough, quick and at times really rough. A section of rocks in the woods gave us a point to stop and have a couple of goes at a very difficult, owing mostly to the slippery rock, combinations of step-ups. The low speed and moist rock made it a really fun quarter of an hour or so, all while the rain held off, resulting in scraping my new cranks (sigh) and not quite making a complete run through the problem area. Always something to go at next time though. Upon finishing the trail it dawned on me just about how tired I was after three days of riding in awful weather, still the feeling of achievement was there for the whole team. We are, of course, now, a team.

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Holiday weather

Everyone's favourite obsession, weather, precipitation and climate related peril. Tomorrow I'm off on the shortish journey to Afan for a few days of riding, thanks to the wonders of five-day-forecasting, I've been filled with dread. Rain, heavy rain, light rain. No sign of any sun on the menu. More to follow, the aftermath and the long term damage.

Wednesday, 10 March 2010

The FA Cup (next time)

Two posts in February? Is that it? Yes, sadly, would be the answer. Time it seems is at a premium. The weight of the world, or to be precise three years of borrowed money rests more or less on the next two and a half months.

To put it in perspective, today I extended the overdraft on my bank account to £1,800. Simply to buy some new gear for my bike, now, considering I'm borrowing well in excess of £6,000 a year to go to uni, dropping an extra £50 (that isn't my own) on cranks doesn't seem like the worst move in the world. Still, I hope the Easter break gives me the revitalising shot that I've needed for the last few weeks, hopefully by taking a week entirely to myself I can bring back some of the wellness I once felt. On the whole I'm tired, irritable and half-hearted. This is best summed up by my current romantic venture, seeing a girl in the first year should make you feel something of a pervert but the age gap is fairly kind in this case. What I can't shake is my own resistance as it were to really allowing myself to get involved too emotionally. I feel I shouldn't either for my own sake or for hers. In my mind I feel guilty that come the end of term the likely conclusion will be to call the gig off and go our separate ways. The fact that this the only thing I've planned so far in advance of is baffling. It seems subconsciously that I don't want myself in this situation, still clearly, I have a desire for sexual action. At times, frequently, this desire seems has been an intrusion on university life and at times also easily tended too by such an existence. What it tends to make me think of is the future, of internet dating, settling, once annual penetration and more than once daily heartbreak.

I feel I fall into a state of lust/love/wanting with ease. What I can't find how to drop into a state of contented, happy and fulfilling routine and ritual. This I have to conquer myself. This makes it of clear that there is no consequence that I've had sex with around eight girls (fairly poor boast I know) in two years, some regularly and some as infrequently as once, but only had any form of relationship for a period of around two months.

Friday, 19 February 2010


Rather than back on track I'd say things are getting near at the least. Plenty of work, enough naps to prop me up and a couple of days off of caffeine. The attempted week off caffeine didn't turn out quite how I'd thought, mostly due to outside interference I was consuming hideous zero-caf Tetley tea bags (not afraid to name and shame) by accident after bailing on the brief quitting period.

Passed all the exams that I took (all of the exams available for me to take (conveniently)) while suffering one fairly poor mark due to the poorly taught Solids module, poor enough to complain via the anonymity of the National Student Survey. Bang. Smashing the system.

Thursday, 28 January 2010


It's been ages since I've put anything down here, what with exams and revision and holidays it's been pretty hectic truth be told. Right now I've got a few minutes before school so I thought I should give this a look over. Also right now I'm feeling pretty content with things, maybe that'll change when results are published or some similar catastrophe. 2010 is going well, cliché and all but new year (or decade) brings a new start. Maybe it's not just a cliché, maybe it's also totally wrong, we'll see.